Up until recently, I’ve weighed the same since I was 16. No matter what I ate or how much exercise I did, or more accurately, didn’t do, nothing changed. And then I turned 30 and everything pretty much went down hill from there. And it’s not even a lot. 10lbs is that annoying amount of weight to gain where all your clothes are just a little too tight, but they still fit which means you forget you’re on a diet when inhaling Burger King at 3am. Anyway, in order to get back in shape for my wedding I was willing to try anything (except actual work, obviously) so here is some of the stupid shit I tried, so you never have to.
- Apple cider vinegar. Ever read those blogs where a skinny girl does something every day because it’s ‘healthy’ and you read, ‘I’m skinny because I eat chia seeds’? Well, that’s what apple cider vinegar was for me. I read some random article that said drinking a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar with water can block the carbs you eat. So I did that and proceeded to eat a hot dog, mac and cheese and truffle parmesan fries. I woke up in the morning and had gained 1.4 pounds.
- Waist Trainers. I don’t follow the Kardashians on Instagram (although if I was going to, I’d definitely be a Khloe girl) nor have I ever seen their TV show. But, I’m not immune to their power on the Daily Mail. So, when I saw all these girls with small waists saying they got that way essentially wearing a girdle, I hopped right on that band wagon without a second thought. Now, obviously I didn’t buy an expensive one like they advertise. Nope. I went right on amazon and found the cheapest old lady girdle they had. I wore it during the day and noticed nothing. Then I read that Jessica Alba wore it 24/7 after she gave birth to keep her shape so I wore it to bed. Half way through the first night I had a panic attack and ripped it off. Worst £12 I ever spent.
(Nemi, best comic ever, BTW)
- Not eating carbs. That lasted about 5 seconds. Everything in the world is basically a carb or kale. Like, vodka is a carb. Smh.
- Protein powder. Again. Skinny girls on instargam talking about almond butter matcha smoothies with 800 grams of protein got me thinking. Maybe I’m not eating ENOUGH? So I started putting protein powder in everything I made: Kraft Dinner, chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes, pancakes, soup and even the occasional smoothie. Result? I gained 3lbs.
- My fitness pal. The app where you write down everything you ate that day. It tells you if you’re on track to meet your goal, or in my case, it reminds you what a fat kid you are and the red calorie intake number yells FAILURE at you.
- Free Personal Trainer Session. You know when you sign up to the gym, you get one of these to help you? Like, they infomercial sell it to you. But this FREE personal training session is worth £100. Did I mention it’s FREE? Well, I don’t own a Slap Chop, but I fell for this one. I’m competitive and was concerned about what they would think of me, so I over did it. I legit had to miss a day of work because I was so sore.
- Wrapping myself in hemorrhoid cream and saran wrap. So, you know those wrap things people post amazing transformation pictures about? Well, I can’t get them in the UK and I’m too cheap to buy them so I read somewhere on the interweb that hemorrhoid cream and saran wrap works. I got about half way through wrapping myself before I realized how f*&king stupid it was and threw everything out.
- Juice cleanses. I have done these not once but 3 times, and every time lost a couple of pounds, just about killed everyone around me because I was hangry and then went off it only to gain the weight back in approximately the same amount of time that I starved myself. And it costs more than actual food! It got to the point where even people in my office were dropping hints that I should stop. You know you’re being a dick when someone changes your skin enhancer to FOREskin enhancer.
In the end, the only thing that actually worked was not eating candy and working out moderately over 6 months. And then you know what I did? Ate everything in sight after the wedding and I’m back to where I started.