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    Food, Unsolicited Advice

    7 Things You Need to Know Before Going To A Fancy Restaurant

    I grew up in a (relatively) small place where a fancy restaurant was The Olive Garden.  Now that I live in a big town (London) there have been a few times where I went to a fancy restaurant and had no idea how to behave myself.  This blog is to help you, dear reader, learn from (or live vicariously through) my mistakes.

     

    Sommelier

    A sommelier is someone who picks out wine for you, not a derogatory term for someone from Somalia.  They usually come with a pin on their lapel that kind of looks like a grape.  This little tidbit was learned when dining at Chez Bruce (Michelin starred, I’ll explain that later) and my date offered to summon the ‘sommelier’ because I was having trouble with picking my starter, never mind the wine.  I accused him of being racist.  And then a random old French guy showed up and they started talking about dirt.  Lesson learned. 

     
     
    Michelin Stars
    When I first heard someone bragging that they’d gone to a three Michelin star restaurant as if Jimmy Choo had personally designed a shoe for them, I laughed audibly.  3 stars?  I knew of hot dog vendors in Piccadilly Circus that had a better rating than that.  But then it was made clear to me that it was something extra, like a gold star. Which, by the way, would be a much more accurate description to denote excellence.  Naming it after a tire company?  Not so much.  Anyway, 3 stars is as fancy as you get and there are only a handful in major cities.  1 star is much more common but still super fancy.  And, funny enough, you wont see the Michelin man on any menu in a Michelin starred restaurant.  There probably won’t even be prices on the menu for that matter. Just a bunch of things described as ‘pan seared’ (where else would you do it) and ‘corn fed’ (TMI).  

     

    Cost
    Which brings me to my next point.  This meal will probably cost more than your rent or mortgage (if you’re a grown up).  Most of the fancy restaurants I’ve been in have separate menus for women that don’t have the prices on them.  It’s probably sexist or something, but lets be honest, if I knew I was scarfing down an appetizer that was more expensive than the shoes I was wearing, I would probably so nervous I’d pee myself. 
     
    Ordering
    Whatever you do, don’t order the Foie Gras, its obese bird liver and tastes like raw bacon.  Everything else will come looking funny.  I once had a meal come in the same plastic as a flower arrangement and then when they opened it the room was filled with smoke.  My boyfriend reassured me this was on purpose.  In my next blog I will be sharing my experience at a 3-starred restaurant in San Sebastian.  I got something that looked like a beach.  Be wary of prawn/shrimp etc. It will come as t did out of the ocean, and in real life prawns aren’t just those cute pink things you dip in cocktail sauce, they are the cockroaches of the sea and have, like, a million legs, antennae and beady eyes.  Consider yourself warned.  
     
    Cutlery
    There is a lot of it and it will seem dented and chewed up, but that’s because it’s real silver and the way they look at it, the older the better.  You don’t need to save any cutlery for the next course; they bring you a new set every time.  But, cutlery is the best way to signal in a restaurant.  The way to tell them you are done with your meal is to put your cutlery together across the left side of the plate.  The only thing you really need to know is that the thing that looks like a spatula is for fish. 
     
    Surprises
    Don’t worry about the amount of food, no matter what, you will have too much.  I had a dinner in the middle of nowhere, France at a 3 starred restaurant and literally ate for 4 hours.  Like, actually put stuff in my mouth and chewed for 240 minutes.  I was STUFFED. Then we had a one-hour break and went to a 1 starred restaurant and ate for a further 4 hours.  But it’s not that you order lots.  Usually they have the option of a ‘tasting menu’ which means the chef decides.  There is usually lots of courses.  But even when you do a la carte (fancy French for picking what you want) you will still get these little surprises in between what you actually ordered.  Don’t worry, they’re free. 
     
     
     
    Dress Code
    Most people in there will be wearing obscure and expensive designers you’ve never heard of.  I just try to go in wearing clean clothes and come out in generally the same condition.  And if you have it, bring a nice bag. 
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    Food

    Bodo’s Schloss: Apres Ski Without The Dislocated Shoulder

    So I finally made it inside Bodo’s Scholss! I was pretty excited when I heard about this place because I heart me some apres ski, and I have dislocated my shoulder snowboarding in Kitzbühel, which makes the apres part not so fun.

    I tried to get into Bodo’s Schloss before Christmas, but mistakenly went at 1:30am only to witness a girl being carried out by security sans shoes screaming about being from Essex. Kinda strange when you are in Kensington. Either way, they closed the doors and I clearly wasn’t drunk enough to be there.

    Take 2, my boyfriend and his friends book a civilized dinner table for 5 and I invite my hot Swedish friend Malin. She fits right in there BTW, most of the girls that work there are pretty and blonde. Anyway, we ordered a pretzel as a starter, and this teeny tiny pretzel shows up for all of us to share. If anyone actually wants a piece, you might want to order a few. As far as pretzels go, it was alright but that’s probably an unfair assessment. I have pretty high pretzel standards as demonstrated by the best pretzel I’ve ever had, which was fresh out of the oven on a random lake in Austria. It was so good I battled aggressive swans and wasps to finish it.

    Worth it, picture to prove it.

    Anyway back to Bodo’s and it’s apres ski feel. It’s pretty cool because you can go dressed like this:

    Or like a regular person in a Chelsea club. But if you wear some type of ski-like clothing/mountain wear/lederhosen, you get into the club without cover, so I would recommend that if you aren’t going for dinner. Personally, I wore my Edmonton Oilers hockey jersey and the next day the NHL and players reached an agreement to end the lockout. Just saying maybe people should send me thank you notes/chocolate/bacon.

    I ordered the chicken Schloss Wiener Schnitzel, however I was told this is sacrilegious by the German guy we were with. Apparently it should really only be Veal or Pork. Mine was pretty tasty though and not a bad price at £13.50. They are also huge, more than enough for two girls to share, if you’re into that kind of thing.

    My Wiener

    Bodos is owned by the same peeps that do Mahiki and Whisky Mist, so the music is decent (the DJ booth is a gondola!) and at least the people know how to run a club. Although, based on what I saw outside the first time I was there, they should be a little more selective at the door. They also need to sort the air con if they expect anyone to show up in the summer because it was pretty warm in there and they encourage ski wear. That can lead to some pretty bad smells/looks.

    For more info and to book a table, this is their website: www.bodosschloss.com

    I highly recommend a go. It’s not a gourmet restaurant by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s a fun night out but probably best to have dinner there first, you know to line your stomach for the shot-skis.

    Bodo's Schloss on Urbanspoon Bodo's Schloss on Urbanspoon

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    Food

    Red Dog Saloon / Pizza East

    So, I was going to write an amazing post all about Red Dog Saloon and their BBQ. But then I went all the f’ing way to Shoreditch and it was closed for some reason. My boyfriend thinks that everyone who worked there ditched work because it was so nice out. But, I did take a picture of the sign to prove I was there:

    So, we walked (in my super cute strawberry print wedges, ASOS sale £12) to Pizza East.

    Anyway, I had the salami, mozzarella and chilli flakes pizza. It was good but a little hard to eat (sauce to cheese to topping ratio was way off). And to be honest, I used to live in New York and really, once you have a slice of Bleeker Street pizza, everything else doesn’t stand a chance.

    Here is said pizza anyway:

    Highlight of the meal was the nice rose my boyfriend picked out (his job is to select the wine, mine is to drink it). I actually liked drinking out of the regular cup. Sometimes I think wine glasses try too hard.

    Location: Pizza East. 56 Shoreditch High Street, London
    Cost: About £12 for a pizza. £30 for nice wine.
    Look out for: Actually, this is a listen out for. They had some great music playing a little too quietly including Johnny Cash and Bob Marley. Pizza East on Urbanspoon

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