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Unsolicited Advice

8 Quick fix Diet Tricks I Tried So You Don’t Have To

April 14, 2016

Up until recently, I’ve weighed the same since I was 16. No matter what I ate or how much exercise I did, or more accurately, didn’t do, nothing changed. And then I turned 30 and everything pretty much went down hill from there. And it’s not even a lot. 10lbs is that annoying amount of weight to gain where all your clothes are just a little too tight, but they still fit which means you forget you’re on a diet when inhaling Burger King at 3am. Anyway, in order to get back in shape for my wedding I was willing to try anything (except actual work, obviously) so here is some of the stupid shit I tried, so you never have to.

Apple cider vinegar. Ever read those blogs where a skinny girl does something every day because it’s ‘healthy’ and you read, ‘I’m skinny because I eat chia seeds’? Well, that’s what apple cider vinegar was for me. I read some random article that said drinking a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar with water can block the carbs you eat. So I did that and proceeded to eat a hot dog, mac and cheese and truffle parmesan fries. I woke up in the morning and had gained 1.4 pounds.

Waist Trainers. I don’t follow the Kardashians on Instagram (although if I was going to, I’d definitely be a Khloe girl) nor have I ever seen their TV show. But, I’m not immune to their power on the Daily Mail. So, when I saw all these girls with small waists saying they got that way essentially wearing a girdle, I hopped right on that band wagon without a second thought. Now, obviously I didn’t buy an expensive one like they advertise. Nope. I went right on amazon and found the cheapest old lady girdle they had. I wore it during the day and noticed nothing. Then I read that Jessica Alba wore it 24/7 after she gave birth to keep her shape so I wore it to bed. Half way through the first night I had a panic attack and ripped it off. Worst £12 I ever spent.

(Nemi, best comic ever, BTW)

Not eating carbs. That lasted about 5 seconds. Everything in the world is basically a carb or kale. Like, vodka is a carb. Smh.

Protein powder. Again. Skinny girls on instargam talking about almond butter matcha smoothies with 800 grams of protein got me thinking. Maybe I’m not eating ENOUGH? So I started putting protein powder in everything I made: Kraft Dinner, chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes, pancakes, soup and even the occasional smoothie. Result? I gained 3lbs.

My fitness pal. The app where you write down everything you ate that day. It tells you if you’re on track to meet your goal, or in my case, it reminds you what a fat kid you are and the red calorie intake number yells FAILURE at you.

Free Personal Trainer Session. You know when you sign up to the gym, you get one of these to help you? Like, they infomercial sell it to you. But this FREE personal training session is worth £100. Did I mention it’s FREE? Well, I don’t own a Slap Chop, but I fell for this one. I’m competitive and was concerned about what they would think of me, so I over did it. I legit had to miss a day of work because I was so sore.

Wrapping myself in hemorrhoid cream and saran wrap. So, you know those wrap things people post amazing transformation pictures about? Well, I can’t get them in the UK and I’m too cheap to buy them so I read somewhere on the interweb that hemorrhoid cream and saran wrap works. I got about half way through wrapping myself before I realized how f*&king stupid it was and threw everything out.

Juice cleanses. I have done these not once but 3 times, and every time lost a couple of pounds, just about killed everyone around me because I was hangry and then went off it only to gain the weight back in approximately the same amount of time that I starved myself. And it costs more than actual food! It got to the point where even people in my office were dropping hints that I should stop. You know you’re being a dick when someone changes your skin enhancer to FOREskin enhancer.

In the end, the only thing that actually worked was not eating candy and working out moderately over 6 months. And then you know what I did? Ate everything in sight after the wedding and I’m back to where I started.

Food, Unsolicited Advice

7 Things You Need to Know Before Going To A Fancy Restaurant

April 14, 2016

Stephanie

1 Comments

I grew up in a (relatively) small place where a fancy restaurant was The Olive Garden. Now that I live in a big town (London) there have been a few times where I went to a fancy restaurant and had no idea how to behave myself. This blog is to help you, dear reader, learn from (or live vicariously through) my mistakes.

Sommelier

A sommelier is someone who picks out wine for you, not a derogatory term for someone from Somalia. They usually come with a pin on their lapel that kind of looks like a grape. This little tidbit was learned when dining at Chez Bruce (Michelin starred, I’ll explain that later) and my date offered to summon the ‘sommelier’ because I was having trouble with picking my starter, never mind the wine. I accused him of being racist. And then a random old French guy showed up and they started talking about dirt. Lesson learned.

Michelin Stars

When I first heard someone bragging that they’d gone to a three Michelin star restaurant as if Jimmy Choo had personally designed a shoe for them, I laughed audibly. 3 stars? I knew of hot dog vendors in Piccadilly Circus that had a better rating than that. But then it was made clear to me that it was something extra, like a gold star. Which, by the way, would be a much more accurate description to denote excellence. Naming it after a tire company? Not so much. Anyway, 3 stars is as fancy as you get and there are only a handful in major cities. 1 star is much more common but still super fancy. And, funny enough, you wont see the Michelin man on any menu in a Michelin starred restaurant. There probably won’t even be prices on the menu for that matter. Just a bunch of things described as ‘pan seared’ (where else would you do it) and ‘corn fed’ (TMI).

Cost

Which brings me to my next point. This meal will probably cost more than your rent or mortgage (if you’re a grown up). Most of the fancy restaurants I’ve been in have separate menus for women that don’t have the prices on them. It’s probably sexist or something, but lets be honest, if I knew I was scarfing down an appetizer that was more expensive than the shoes I was wearing, I would probably so nervous I’d pee myself.

Ordering

Whatever you do, don’t order the Foie Gras, its obese bird liver and tastes like raw bacon. Everything else will come looking funny. I once had a meal come in the same plastic as a flower arrangement and then when they opened it the room was filled with smoke. My boyfriend reassured me this was on purpose. In my next blog I will be sharing my experience at a 3-starred restaurant in San Sebastian. I got something that looked like a beach. Be wary of prawn/shrimp etc. It will come as t did out of the ocean, and in real life prawns aren’t just those cute pink things you dip in cocktail sauce, they are the cockroaches of the sea and have, like, a million legs, antennae and beady eyes. Consider yourself warned.

Cutlery

There is a lot of it and it will seem dented and chewed up, but that’s because it’s real silver and the way they look at it, the older the better. You don’t need to save any cutlery for the next course; they bring you a new set every time. But, cutlery is the best way to signal in a restaurant. The way to tell them you are done with your meal is to put your cutlery together across the left side of the plate. The only thing you really need to know is that the thing that looks like a spatula is for fish.

Surprises

Don’t worry about the amount of food, no matter what, you will have too much. I had a dinner in the middle of nowhere, France at a 3 starred restaurant and literally ate for 4 hours. Like, actually put stuff in my mouth and chewed for 240 minutes. I was STUFFED. Then we had a one-hour break and went to a 1 starred restaurant and ate for a further 4 hours. But it’s not that you order lots. Usually they have the option of a ‘tasting menu’ which means the chef decides. There is usually lots of courses. But even when you do a la carte (fancy French for picking what you want) you will still get these little surprises in between what you actually ordered. Don’t worry, they’re free.

Dress Code

Most people in there will be wearing obscure and expensive designers you’ve never heard of. I just try to go in wearing clean clothes and come out in generally the same condition. And if you have it, bring a nice bag.

Food

Bodo’s Schloss: Apres Ski Without The Dislocated Shoulder

January 8, 2013

Stephanie

So I finally made it inside Bodo’s Scholss! I was pretty excited when I heard about this place because I heart me some apres ski, and I have dislocated my shoulder snowboarding in Kitzbühel, which makes the apres part not so fun.

I tried to get into Bodo’s Schloss before Christmas, but mistakenly went at 1:30am only to witness a girl being carried out by security sans shoes screaming about being from Essex. Kinda strange when you are in Kensington. Either way, they closed the doors and I clearly wasn’t drunk enough to be there.

Take 2, my boyfriend and his friends book a civilized dinner table for 5 and I invite my hot Swedish friend Malin. She fits right in there BTW, most of the girls that work there are pretty and blonde. Anyway, we ordered a pretzel as a starter, and this teeny tiny pretzel shows up for all of us to share. If anyone actually wants a piece, you might want to order a few. As far as pretzels go, it was alright but that’s probably an unfair assessment. I have pretty high pretzel standards as demonstrated by the best pretzel I’ve ever had, which was fresh out of the oven on a random lake in Austria. It was so good I battled aggressive swans and wasps to finish it.

Worth it, picture to prove it.

Anyway back to Bodo’s and it’s apres ski feel. It’s pretty cool because you can go dressed like this:

Or like a regular person in a Chelsea club. But if you wear some type of ski-like clothing/mountain wear/lederhosen, you get into the club without cover, so I would recommend that if you aren’t going for dinner. Personally, I wore my Edmonton Oilers hockey jersey and the next day the NHL and players reached an agreement to end the lockout. Just saying maybe people should send me thank you notes/chocolate/bacon.

I ordered the chicken Schloss Wiener Schnitzel, however I was told this is sacrilegious by the German guy we were with. Apparently it should really only be Veal or Pork. Mine was pretty tasty though and not a bad price at £13.50. They are also huge, more than enough for two girls to share, if you’re into that kind of thing.

My Wiener

Bodos is owned by the same peeps that do Mahiki and Whisky Mist, so the music is decent (the DJ booth is a gondola!) and at least the people know how to run a club. Although, based on what I saw outside the first time I was there, they should be a little more selective at the door. They also need to sort the air con if they expect anyone to show up in the summer because it was pretty warm in there and they encourage ski wear. That can lead to some pretty bad smells/looks.

For more info and to book a table, this is their website: www.bodosschloss.com

I highly recommend a go. It’s not a gourmet restaurant by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s a fun night out but probably best to have dinner there first, you know to line your stomach for the shot-skis.

Food

Beard to Tail

December 13, 2012

Stephanie

So, my boyfriend managed to get me to go to Shoreditch again to eat america BBQ even though our first attempt was an epic failure, (you can read about it here). This time we were to venture out to a little place called Beard to Tail. Now, I’m not a massive fan of restaurants that are so explicit about the food you are about to eat (the mains are called Into the Pig and Into the Cow…TMI) but I was willing to try. And what animal has a beard anyway?

We waited 45 min to be seated and the hostess was nice, but we were hungry. Sat and had cocktails first and I drank the only one on the menu that was vodka based. It was ok. I forgot to take a picture of it when it was full, but you can use your imagination.

Anyway, cut to the chase, right? The menu had loads of meat on it so (obviously) not a place to take a vegetarian on a first date. It looked promising although the starters were a little blah, and didn’t seem worth the calories. I wanted the burger, but they didn’t have it (I know, seriously they had like 5 things on the menu) so my boy thought it was a good idea to order the 800g steak AND a rack (or several) of ribs. It looked like something out of the Flintstones.

It was tasty, but it took an hour for our food to arrive, so caveman meat was looking pretty good when I was personally ready to gnaw off my own arm. The sides were the best part though, I highly recommend the cheesy cauliflower.

The best part of the evening? The fact that I was actually able to witness two people getting busted for trying to bump nasties the wheelchair bathroom. Ya, that’s right, I got to see that in real life. A larger than average girl wearing a sequin black and white dress (not exactly the most discreet outfit when you are planning on doing something like that, but I digress) snuck into the bathroom, whose door faced the entire restaurant. She was followed shortly by a short skinny boy. 30 seconds into it they were caught by the manager who continued to bang on the door until they came out, which was about 2 min later (poor guy). Then the manager told them off in front of the whole restaurant. It was amazing, and they weren’t at all embarrassed. In fact, they owned it, and then did more shots.

All said and done, there are definitely better meat places in London. If you want steak, Gaucho is usually my favorite. They are all over the city and kind of a chain, but they have consistently decent steak and great wine.

Where: Beard to Tail, Shoreditch http://www.beardtotail.co.uk .

Cost: Really expensive for pretty lame service and average food.

Go for: People watching, particularly those trying to do it in public bathrooms before midnight.

Wear: Well, it’s Shoreditch so I wore my Levis jean shirt, black jeans and knee high boots accessorized with my Mulberry clutch. But it’s a kind of anything goes place, our waitress was wearing a backless bodysuit and black lipstick.

I’ll leave you with a pic of the dessert, it was tasty!

Food, Unsolicited Advice

An open letter to: Pork

July 25, 2012

Stephanie

First off, let me just say this post comes out of love.

Pork, please just be yourself. Nobody likes pork chops, so instead of trying to be ‘the other white meat’ appreciate your own amazingness. Be the best you can be which, incidentally, is bacon. I mean come on, seriously, how amazing you look in this pic with eggs cuddled up in your little brioche love nest?

Be comfortable in your own clothes. If people want white meat they are going to have chicken. They always have and always will. Once you accept that and move on with your life, you’ll finally find the happiness I know you deserve. Dammit, you know you deserve it.

You are so money and it kills me that you can’t appreciate it. Like, look, people even flavor crisps after you. That’s how awesome you are. People are willing to eat anything that just tastes like you. Read that last sentence again and really soak up what that means. You are like the Louis Vuitton of meat, even fake is better than nothing.

So, I hope this serves as a wake up call. Be happy in your own skin Pork, especially when it’s crispy.

Because we love you just the way you are.

Yours forever and always (especially on Eggs Benedict),

Stephanie

Food, Unsolicited Advice

My love affair with: Hot Dogs

April 26, 2012

Stephanie

Now, some people might think it phallic or unnatural that I am obsessed with Hot Dogs. Whatever, they’re the shiz. Anyway, here I will reminisce about some of the best hot dogs I have ever had.

Caveat: Best hot dog on this side of the Atlantic… nothing beats BBQ hot dogs at home (Canada).

Le Grand Hot Dog 2009

Mi amore en Paris. May you rest in peace somewhere along the Seine. This is honestly one of the best hot dogs I have ever had. It was your standard dog, in a fresh baguette, covered in the tastiest cheese ever, grilled on the spot in a toaster oven and then topped off with ketchup and (North American!) mustard. I acquired this foot long god outside Notre Dame and was settling nicely into my bench on the bridge overlooking the Seine. Sadly, I only enjoyed one bite of it before some freak mini tornado showed up and blew it right out of my hands and into the Seine. Seriously, I almost cried. I was broke and could not afford the €2.50 for a new one, so I’ve had to cling on to that one bite and savor it ever since.

Ze Dick Hot Dog 2008

This gem was discovered my first trip to Germany when I went to Munich for Oktoberfest. Aside from the copious amours of beer I had, this was definitely a highlight for me. The dog itself was fairly average. Bun was fresh, as you would expect because people were eating them like it was the only food left in the world. To be fair it was the only edible thing with in a 1 mile radius, and when you had as much to drink as I did, anything more than 1 mile away may as well have been in Canada. Dog itself was spicy and the flavor of the mustard worked well with it. Solid 8/10. And yes, I ate the whole thing.

Big Ben 2009

This is what remained of a hot dog I ate from a street vendor in London after leaving Movida one night. I don’t remember buying it and I don’t remember how the sauce got all over my shoes, but I do remember walking down Regent Street, shoveling it in my face and thinking that I was the shit, that right then and there my life couldn’t get any better. That is why it is on this list. And that is also probably why I took this picture on the night bus home.

Merida 2010

This is the prime example of a hot dog you don’t eat. I was in Barcelona for work and the camera man was hungry so he suggested this place. I told him that under no circumstances were we setting foot in that ‘restaurant’ and then took a picture of the ‘menu’ to taunt him with. Also, it looks like an albino’s penis.

I have eaten hot dogs since 2009, many of them, I just didn’t take any pictures and they weren’t as memorable as the preceding entries. My search for The One continues…

Stephanie Wahlstrom

Hey! Cute top! Flattery gets you everywhere, right? Seriously, though, I like what you've got going on over there. Anyway, my name is Stephanie and I am a Canadian writer living in London. I like to eat, travel and make people laugh. The Accidental Socialite is the name of my debut novel and this blog where you'll find tales of my mishaps and far too many references to bacon. Enjoy!